Raising students today is challenging but rewarding! Having raised three of our own, we’ve learned that there are three key levels of friendships that students need in their lives.
One of your responsibilities is to ensure as best you can that your kids are surrounded by Godly and good influences in the relationships they have in their orbit. So here are the three levels of friendship you can help them with.
In order of importance:
1. Parents
In 30 years of Youth Ministry experience and 27 years of parenting, one thing has remained the same: parents underestimating their importance in their teens’ lives during those adolescent years. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN THEIR LIFE, EVEN WHEN THEY ARE TEENS.
Don’t forget or make the mistake of underestimating how much they value you, especially when they never show any sign of appreciation! Studies consistently show that your influence as a parent overshadows all other relationships in their life. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind:
a. Nothing will replace the TIME you spend with them
Whatever you need to do to make this happen…schedule it, plan it, be spontaneous, or all of the above. Your presence is critical to their spiritual, mental, and even physical health. In our busy lives and schedules, sometimes it’s making time while we’re doing other things. For example, take them with you if you need to go grocery shopping. Instead of carpooling with others, drive them to their practice.
We strategically did this by driving our daughters to school every morning until they got their licenses. It was our way of maximizing our time to be with them.
b. Nothing will replace the ENERGY you give them
Almost every parent I know has a busy career and a full schedule. Because of this, they spend a lot of their physical and emotional energy on their work and have little left to offer their kids. When this happens, screens become stop-gap measures to appease our kids when we are too tired to deal with what’s happening in their lives. Let me encourage you to consider how much energy you have to give and to consider where you spend it. Cutting back on work responsibilities might seem like a great financial sacrifice. But I’ve seen too many parents sacrifice giving energy away to other things besides their kids at critical windows of time in their kid’s life.
We chose to be a one-income family until our kids were a certain age because we wanted to give our energy to our kids over our careers. Not everyone may be able to do this, but perhaps you can. And you should consider it.
c. Nothing will replace the AFFECTION you give them
Kids need healthy, appropriate physical touch from their parents. They may bristle if you sit beside them, put your arm around them, or hug them. But kids need this. The basic human need for physical contact doesn’t go away when we get older. It may sound simplistic, but there is power in skin-to-skin contact. A kiss on the cheek or a hug will make your students feel much more secure and loved.
Some of our kids were more inclined to favor hugs and affection, but we still gave it to them regardless of their response to show them our love for them. And it helped us stay and feel close to them.
2. Godly Adults
When your kids are in middle and high school, they can tend to ‘tune out’ your voice for segments of time. That’s why it’s critical that they have another voice in their life that holds the same values that you do. The #1 place you get this: A GREAT YOUTH MINISTRY!
I’m blessed to be the Lead Pastor at Daybreak church in the Grand Rapids, MI, area. I’ve known this church and Youth Ministry for over 20 years before becoming the pastor. And we have some legendary adult volunteers in this ministry. Along with our Youth Pastor, Ryley, I can confidently say to our church and community that our Youth Ministry has elite status because of the caliber of leadership we have for our students.
If you need to find a different church to do this, do it. Your students need all the encouragement and spiritual reinforcement they can get. Do whatever you have to do to find this for your kids.
3. Peers
One hundred years ago, adolescents spent the majority of their time with adults and the minority of their time with people their own age. (The term “adolescents” didn’t exist a hundred years ago, by the way.) Today, that reality is reversed. Most students spend more time with their peers than adults. It is absolutely critical that you are intentional with whom your kids spend time while they are young. When doing so, they begin to make good and wise choices about their relationships.
There’s a saying, “You reinforce what you reward.” When you see healthy relationships in your students’ lives, reward them with incentives. Do all you can to encourage these types of friendships to add another level of friendships. Make easy paths for them to connect in person with good people from good families, and be willing to sacrifice to do so.
As a parent, your role will shift as they get older. Your position will shift from “Provide” to “Guide” as your kids move into adulthood. This means that while your influence always remains, the direct influence you have in their life will change as they get older. So make the most of these days you have now, and surround them with these three levels of friendship in order that they may have a successful life.
Geoff Eckart
CEO & Founder
Never The Same
Photo by Baylee Gramling on Unsplash